While growing up, I ran cross-country, track and road races. My Dad and I ran many of these road races together. Early on, he instilled in me a competitive pedigree to become a winner. I always feared losing because my Dad placed high standards on winning.
In junior high school, there was this one kid who always defeated me in every race we competed in. He would beat me in school competitions, road races, and cross-country events. Somehow, I allowed my nerves to get the best of me. In training, I could run the times required to win my age group. On race day, my nerves would get the best of me--exhausting my energy to influence my breathing and race pace.
My Dad relied on me to win my age group at a local Turkey Trot race. I entered into the 800 meter and the 5K races to increase the probability of winning a turkey. In both of these races, this junior high classmate defeated me. I lost both chances to win a turkey for our Thanksgiving family dinner.
On our last chance, they held a raffle to give away a turkey. My Dad pulled my name in the raffle; however, the race promoters rejected this over conflict of interest.
On the way home, my Dad scolded me for losing the two races. He said with all the training I still couldn't become a winner. He said he wouldn't buy me the running shoes I needed to continue on with training. On that night, he took me out to Macy's to buy me new running shoes.
You can imagine a 12-year-old wanting to make his Dad proud. In the face of others, I was viewed as a failure. My Dad's opinion of me mattered the most, so losing these races shook my confidence. It would eventually carry on until my adult years, where if i didn't make something of myself that I would hear his criticism in the form of passive aggressiveness. Sometimes, my Mom and brothers would share his negative text messages or what he said to put me down.
I admit that I allowed my Dad's opinion of me not being a winner in life to affect me. He would still buy me random gifts, subtly showing that he appreciated my support. I never held back from telling him I was proud of the life he has lived.
Last year, my parents were given a move-out notice to leave a home they rented for the past 28 years. My Dad could not let go of leaving this home. I tried my best to convince him that maybe this is a blessing in disguise to purchase a place they can own. Along the way, I went with him on an apartment search. He struggled to overcome the attachment of living in the rental home.
My Dad linked up with a real estate agent who specialized in manufactured homes. We viewed a few condos and manufactured homes. I even went with my Mom to see another condo. My Dad lost his patience; he wanted to fire the real estate agent. She called me to share what was going on behind the scenes with my Dad. I stepped up and put pressure on my Dad to move past the rental home and focus on purchasing the manufactured home. Usually, I just stayed quiet and didn't confront my Dad. His constant complaining wore me thin and I had to take an unconventional approach to knock down the barriers.
After being assertive with my Dad to do what the real estate agent requested, she helped him to purchase a manufactured home in a nice 55+ community. A month later, my middle brother and I helped move all of their possessions into the home. However, my Dad started complaining once again about all the junk and refusing to accept these items. He agreed to keep the previous furniture in the place after the former owner had passed away a few weeks before viewing this property.
When we tried to carry their household items into this place, he wouldn't stop complaining. Yet again, I stepped up to tell him we worked hard in the heat to pack the truck and prepare for this move. I made sure to be assertive like he did in my childhood. This direct approach worked out, allowing us to move everything into the place without anymore resistance.
A few months after, my Dad underwent a serious health emergency. A medical mistake a few months prior to the move resulted in his toes later developing gangrene. His surgeon made a critical decision to amputate all of his toes and repair an artery supplying blood to his foot. My Dad was feeling so down and out that he was ready to give up on life. I supported him every step of the way, throughout his hospital stay during the holidays. All my personal growth skills went to work, molding him into being appreciative and feeling blessed under the intense circumstances.
There were a few moments I had to put pressure on him to change his perspective that he had no one to support him. He got into this cynical mindset where he would overlook what people did for him.
Because of my Dad's medical crisis, my best friend started to connect with me again. We have gone on scenic hikes, visited the Disney museum, he helped me to apply for various city jobs and we communicated at a higher frequency. Recently, I got to watch his niece place a college soccer game. At this game, I reconnected with his brother and brother's wife, as well as his Mom who I hadn't seen or talked to in 5 years following the passing of her husband and his Dad.
Back in June, both of my vehicles broke down and this impacted my earnings. As a result of this, I revised my resume and applied for a variety of jobs. My best friend contributed to making revisions on my resume for city job openings. I focused on pursuing a tech savvy/driving position for a month, completing the extensive interview process and getting hired. Furthermore, I got invited to take an exam for a city planner and passed this test to move forward in the hiring process with the supplemental questionnaire. In about 5 days, I will start my new job with a tech company.
This story of fearing failure involves breaking out of bad habits that likely originated from my past connections. My Dad's perception weighed me down like an anchor. I always wanted to make him proud. All he would see is me struggling with continuous challenges that impacted all areas of my life.
I never gave up trying to meet success. Sometimes, we face extremely difficult moments where we must take serious actions. We have to do what is new, what is uncomfortable to gain confidence.
What has held me back in pursuing my dream is my fear of failure, my fear of change, my fear of losing more time. No matter how much I have tried to convince myself, I still have yet to engage in screenwriting with the identical effort that resembles my college years and 2016-2020. It took detaching from several people to start making serious decisions.
When we lose fear, we can start living a better life. Truth is, I have failed so many times to stay afloat on the dream path. Once you have the resources to apply yourself, you start struggling with commitment. Then, your financial life keeps reminding you of all the mistakes you think you made to keep your dream alive. Balance never arrives in time, so you believe you lost many years.
I do not feel I have given everything in my heart to become a successful screenwriter. What I do know is that I don't fear failing anymore. When you lose at winning the life you believe will make you happy, you look at different ways to do things. You develop a new perspective to view the little wins as positive steps moving you forward.
I found great happiness in going on many unique adventures with my dog. Landing the new tech job will enable me to take him to new places. Taking photography will reserve a digital memory of our nostalgic moments.
Even though my circle encourages me to let go out my dream and let it die, I still plan to work on screenplays on silent convert missions. We don't have to share everything we are working on. If we lack support, we can create new circles that match our interests. Most importantly, we can get ahead if we can take care of ourselves without being dependent on outside help.
If you lost your motivation and inspiration to do screenwriting, retrace the steps to unblock these kinks. You may have to travel way back into your childhood years to pinpoint the source. Once you do this, you will be able to commit yourself and reconnect with screenwriting.
Someone once wrote me, "Things happen for a reason, there are no accidents". I totally agree with her.
Good screenwriters understand real life. They are masters of showing conflict, and then resolving it. Use everything you got to get to where you want to be. Never allow any fears to set you back.
We don't need to win at everything. We don't need to make people proud. We do need to believe in this life to have a purpose. Waking up every morning aspiring to make a difference can be enough to turn our life around. Don't be afraid that you may be extremely good at what you love.
Remind yourself that you deserve your dream. Reward yourself for all the little wins. Appreciate the simple moments. Your dream is much bigger than what you can ever imagine.
Happy Screenwriting!